Pandemic

Written as a FB post 3/2020

My former coworker texted me today to see how I was doing… We’ve stayed in fairly frequent touch since we were fired and we keep tabs on our job searches and how we’re fairing.

I thought about that question for a moment and then replied that I felt anxious, weirded out, worried sick and exhausted. She agreed and we both hope our unemployment insurance gets extended as we’re both due to lose it this month. With jobs gone, my businesses tanking and money stress looming it’s scary to lose the only safety net we had.

A little later this afternoon, I spent time outside doing yard work and puttering about. It was a stunning day today; sunny, relatively warm and not a cloud in the sky all day. The birds were mobbing my feeders, and I was surrounded by the chatter of red-winged blackbirds, goldfinches, house finches, Juncos, chickadees and the ubiquitous house sparrows and collared doves. At one point I heard Sandhill cranes croaking in the distance, killdeer keening from my pasture and a curious crow carefully followed my progress from the top of a tree in the yard and narrated his observations to his friends. It felt so very normal for spring and yet… It isn’t.

All day I felt an impeding sense of doom and things feel very different to me. I had to go to the grocery store for my weekly shop earlier in the day and I was edgy and unhappy there. I was paranoid about everything I touched and raced to the car to spray my hands with rubbing alcohol. Then I wondered about my bags, the contents inside, who had touched what, did I need to clean things off? Some people seemed normal, others gave me a wide berth as we sort of watched each other cagily and suspiciously, are you infectious? I constantly caught myself about to push a lock of hair from my face, adjust my glasses… No! Don’t touch your face!! It was just weird.

I think there’s likely a general malaise and anxiety all around… I see it in friends and on FB, I hear it from family when I talk to them, and my clients when we meet. I feel like I’m waiting for the storm front to hit and yet there’s no tangible sign. I expect the skies to darken, the wind to pick up so we can batten down the hatches and ride it out but it’s a silent, invisible foe… That’s unsettling and unnerving. And while it marches steadily closer to all of us, nature follows her ancient rhythms oblivious to our preoccupations. Birds are migrating North, the days are lengthening and the renewal and rebirth we should feel with the onset of spring is a complete paradox to how we are feeling.

Tonight I had the back door open, sun streaming through the screen door. I bustled about prepping food for my indoor dog and cat family of 10, adding supplements, medications etc, as they patiently waited… It all felt so normal, everyday, and grounding. They have no idea what we are all worrying about. They all had a wonderful day out in the sun and wanted their food. Their lives haven’t changed a bit yet (and hopefully won’t) but ours have. Maybe forever, as I worry this virus will touch everyone of us directly or indirectly.

How do you fight an invisible enemy? Of course social distancing, quarantine, limit exposure, travel etc… But how do you handle the mental effects? How do you manage the fear, anxiety, worry, the unknown? How do you balance normal with abnormal? How do you live in the shadow of this thing? How do you prepare for the future when we don’t know what it holds? How do you plan financially when you stand to lose it all? Then what?

This is heavy stuff for all of us… It’s unchartered territory and is both uniting and dividing us. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you who is struggling right now. I have no advice… I have no previous history or knowledge to draw from. None of us do. I think it’s literally one step at a time and one day at a time. Reach out to friends and loved ones, stay connected. Be generous, unselfish and kind. Live. Because that’s all we can do at the moment. That may be the only way we fight back.

Love, light and hugs, from a respectful distance away, to all of you 💜